Why You Suck

The Oscars SUCK!

2009-02-23T02:05:00.008-05:00

Okay, they always fucking suck. When I heard Hugh "really, he's not gay....he has a wife and adopted kids and everything!" Jackman was hosting, I thought it would turn into a dancing singing peen show. But it was actually pretty fucking good as far as this shit goes. But we have to state the obvious fucking reasons why Hollywood is still the biggest shit hole full of looney turds on the planet.

Not dressing. Okay you self important bloated shit toads. This is just ONE fucking night when anyone who has electricity in their country and knows somebody with a TV watches your stupid self important asses. Do think just MAYBE you could wear something appropriate??! Fuck! Even I take off my sweatpants and put on normal job wearing duds when I have a job interview! Well, if I ever had an interview I mean. Fuck you! It could happen! Hey Phillip Seymour "I like to snort coke off of 12 year old girls ass and molest them while my girlfriend crams a dildo up my ass" Hoffman! Is that your 'official' going to the Oscars stocking cap?!? Wow there slimdog millionaire, thanks for not even trying. Really, it's okay. We know your fat, and bald, and ugly, and a child molester, and a coke head. Ugly fucking shit loser. Good actor, don't get me wrong! But it all ends right there.

Ummm......Goldie?!? Got a minute hun? Over here! Shhhhh! Hey, just so ya know?!? Umm, nobody has EVER wanted to see your pancake tits since the sixties, and they sure in the fuck don't want to see them now. So here's a headband, now just slip it over your poppie floppys before you go out there and present the next award, okay? Jesus, even Kurt doesn't want to to see those sun dried raisins.

Acceptance Speeches-Fuck, don't even get me going. I'm sure we can all agree we absolutely cringe when nobody you've ever heard of and could give a tit shit about gets up and reads even more names of people we've never heard of and could give a tit shit about. Kate Winslet had the best speech of the night when she asked her dad to whistle. That shit was fucking great! Because it's real and SOOOO non Hollywood. Most of the other speeches I couldn't understand if I had a fucking translator. Shit, I thought for a moment my dog stepped on the remote and changed the channel to a story on Al-Qaeda suicide bombers. Mickey Rourke didn't win the Oscar, but he won the coolest fucking person in the entire God Damn room award. Sean Peen is a fucking pencil dick asshole who still had to spout out his normal nobody gives a shit about your political views bullshit. Oh, and I love the way he thanked his wife. Oh, wait a minute. That's right, he didn't. Well that's understandable, considering she's not the one he's been fucking since he married her. What a fucking douchefag. Oh, and if you ever see me renting "Milk", it's not me. Someone has over taken my body and I'm already dead, so don't bother talking to my corpse.

Performances-They always suck. But if Beyonce wasn't lip syncing, I'll blow my dad while screwing my dog in the pooper. Well, this time it's over a bet, so it's different. Can't we all just agree that those singing and dancing routines have ZERO relevance since the 1950's?!? Holy fucking cat cocks. Those things are the most boring things on television. Well, besides a Ryan Seacrest interview. Like I said, I enjoyed the opening of the show and it was original and new. But then again I was drunk and the percocet was humming happily through my veins. I would have thought Ernest Borgnine in a thong would have been cool.

Surprises-None. I picked every fucking winner before it even started. And that just sucks. Because I wanted Mickey Rourke to win, but I picked Sean Peen. But how cool would it have been if Mickey Rourke stormed the stage and beat the shit out of Peen and took his Oscar! Mmmm, now there's hours of self-pleasuring thoughts!

Wrap-Up: As usual, it went too long, no big surprises. Once again they should take out all those "nobody gives a fucking shit about" awards and narrow it down to 2 hours so I can get back to watching LockUp on National Geographic. If you ever want to see REAL acting, catch that show. Imagine how you would have to act just to stay alive! "Why yes, I am your new 'celly', and happy to be here. What's that? You want me to sit on your lap while you comfort me? Gee, this place is going to be just swell!!"

Oscars SUCK!

SACK OF SUCK!

2009-02-13T02:13:00.003-05:00

This is a new post that will appear from time to time. Just random multiple topics that suck with no order or thought process. Hey! Just like my life! Cooool

#1 SUCK: COMPUTERS! Holy mother cat ass fucking piece of shit covered dildo juice! Why in the FUCK is my computer such a piece of whore bait fucking shit!?!? It's not even a fucking year old! It's a Toshiba laptop widescreen and I love it. But lately it's grown a cock and has fucked me in the ass then made me suck my own shit off it every fucking miserable day of my life. NOTHING works right. I used to play online games on this fucking thing all the time. Mostly, World of Warcraft. And fuck you punk zit faced fuckers, I'm a level 80 BADASS fucking warrior! And I'm an officer in my guild, so suck my pee. But now I can't even get logged back into the game. Granted, lately I've been doing a lot of work on my blog as well as other blogs lately, but fuck that faggot shit! WTF?!? And I have a degree in computers and STILL can't get this fucker to run right. Bill Gates better hope like FUCK we don't run into each other.

#2 SUCK: CABLE COMPANIES: So suck on this. My faggot cable company, Dimhouse (Brighthouse) Networks sent me my monthly cable bill. But this time, they didn't include a return envelope for me to send my bill. FUCK YOU asshole paper tree killers I thought to myself. I'll just pay online. Yes, I'll show them with my suave computer techy knowhow. So, I logged onto thier crusty cunted website that is powered by 2 AIDS invested gerbals running in a wheel, and filled out their 24,000 questions and paid my fucking bill. Low and behold, I get a letter from them 5 days later stating that my payment has been "returned" by my bank, AND they added a $35.00 charge! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? So, I called my bank about this, and they emailed me a statement stating that NO CABLE COMPANY had requested a payment from my account. So I called the cable company, and they said it was because I entered the info wrong. WELL! If I did! Then WHO RETURNED IT?!?! FUCKERS! I told them I have NEVER been late, nor missed a payment EVER. And I will NOT pay this charge. Ya know, you would think they would bend over backwards and suck their own clits to keep customers now days, but not these fucks. Well, they said they would get back to me. I paid the normal fee and we'll have to see what happens. Oh, and BTW, I don't have a choice of cable companies. It's this, or cover my dog in Reynolds Aluminum Foil and attach a speaker wire to him to my TV.

#3 SUCK: DISTANCE: If you're like me, and I've never met anyone who is, so shut the fuck up.
But I live a LONG ways away from my family and friends. Today I had two family members go in for surgery on the same day for the SAME thing! I knoowwww! How creepy is that?!? But it just fucking blows harder than Andy Dick in rehab being that far from your family to be there to support them and help them. Especially when you have fucking absolutely zero going on in your life besides deciding what pair of sweat pants to wear that day and planning your TV schedule. Trust me, I know what it's like to be alone. I've been alone most of my adult life. Even while IN a relationship. But more so, I had to have a co-worker drop me off at the hospital when I went in for surgery to replace 2 disks in my neck. Then he showed up the next day to drive me home. When I had my back surgery, the girl I was dating just "had" to go to Venice the DAY I was having my surgery, because..hey...that's important! And I had to have another friend pick me up from the hospital. Nobody came, no calls, nothing. My poor sister who is having surgery came up from another state to stay with me for a week to help me. I'll never forget that, nor the ones who left me when I needed them most. Distance. It measures both ways.

Grammys SUCK!

2009-02-10T10:25:00.006-05:00

I didn't think it was possible for this piece of shit show to get worse each fucking year, but I was wrong. Now, I didn't watch it, but I am going to safely assume it sucked big hairy monkey balls. I mean, how in the fuck couldn't it suck? When the majority of the lineup is tweenies and 'rappers' out on parole, you know the music industry has officially giving the fuck up and is completely out of new ideas and talent. Miley Cyrus and the BoneUs Brothers?!? Seriously. That's all you got. This is 'music' today? I understand the Grammys trying to be 'popular'. Well, not really. Unless having 2 dogs on the couch with me at the same time at once counts. But if you look at the disaster of the lineup, who in the fuck would watch it unless it was the only channel you got, and you lost your remote, and your legally blind, and the batteries died in your hearing aid?

First up; Rappers. Oh dear heavenly Jebus up in cloud land, I hate these piece of shit fucking posers more than any other life form on our suck ass planet. First of all, why do rappers always say "Just keeping it real", when none of them use their real fucking names?!? WTF?!? How REAL is that? How come pro athletes use their real names but 'rappers' don't? Umm, well, for one, it's extremely fucking gay and they would get the shit beat out of them everyday in the locker room by their teammates. But mostly, athletes are proud of their accomplishments and how hard they WORKED to get where they are (except A-Rod that cunt). So they want to keep their real name so their families can show some well deserved pride. But anybody can say, yeah, T-Bone or Lip Tag or Puff Zitty is my brother. Get the fuck over yourselves and your over inflated egos you fucking ex-cons. Oh, how many even play an instrument?!? Sorry, crack pipes and microphones don't count. I wonder why DMX and Chris Brown weren't there? Oh yeah, busy being 'rappers'. I forget and the shits.

I was unfortunate enough to catch a few glimpses of the Grammys during commercial breaks while watching the antique sofa repair channel. Stevie Wonder was doing some horrible rendition with the BoneUs Brothers of Superstition. Now, Stevie sounded pretty good. I've seen him twice in concert and he's fucking awesome. But hey, here's a shocker, the BoneUs Brothers forgot the fucking lyrics during the song! You know, because they're professional musicians and they're at the Grammys. And they couldn't hit a fucking note if I held it on the ground at their feet. Holy fucking tampon juice! This is what you had for the 'big' closing number? Stevie alone, yeah I can see that. But sadly, once again the Grammys confuse music with popularity. This is why half the crowd was full of fucking 'reality star' has beens and American Idol rejects. These pukes got invited because.... Well, I got nothing here. Somebody explain that 'target' audience to me. No don't. I dont' give a shit. And Paris Hilton was there?!? That walking Petri dish should have been tasered and then beat to a fine bloody pulp by security when she tried to get on the red carpet. Of course while wearing plastic gloves. Safety first kiddies!

The only thing that I liked, was that Robert Plant beat out "Lil Penis" or whatever that ugly fucking piece of non talented thug monkey's name is. And of course, all the rags and talk shows the next day were talking about how Robert Plant looked. Nothing about how he sounded. This is the entire fucking point. It's gotten to the point where it's all about how you fucking look and your bling and your popularity rather than the substance of your talent. This is why I don't need to update my music library. Because most of the music in the last 8 years has sucked, the "musicians" suck, if you go out to a bar and are over the age of 20, you can't stand the fucking shit noise that comes out of the speakers unless your methed out in the middle of a 7 hour skank grind on the dance floor. Or the Kodak Theatre. Same thing.

Grammys SUCK!

Non-Smokers SUCK! ! !

2009-02-04T16:12:00.003-05:00

Yeah, trust me, ya do. Now, if you don't smoke, I think that's just swell Wally. And I promise I won't blow my smoke in your life area and give you black lung and rape your kiddies and murder your parents. Because, well, that's what us smokers do.

In this unprecedented time of economical strife, rampant crime, record breaking layoffs and unemployment, the Indiana legislature is busy in the house trying to pass a law banning ALL buildings in the entire state from smoking. Yeah, they sure have their finger on the pulse of the country.

First things first. If you don't smoke, great. Fucking happy as ice nipples for ya. For those of us who do, we are once again being 'told' that we now can't smoke anywhere but in our homes and our vehicles. America....Land of the FREE. Um, nope. Pursuit of happiness. Puhleeze. Liberty and Justice for some. Damn straight! I believe everyone has a right to breathe. Yup, fine. But what the REAL issue is at stake, is basic rights....FOR ALL! Even the SMOKERS! I'm SO fucking sick and tired of getting treated like a non-citizen because I CHOOSE to smoke. I pay MORE taxes than non smokers because of the high taxes put on cigs. So, if they want everyone to stop, where will the state get the money to supplement the loss of tax income?!?

Maybe we should start putting high taxes on fatty foods and fast food joints and tax the fuck out of fat asses! Non smokers say that smokers are just killing themselves and they are having to pay the hospital and medical costs. Are you fucking kidding me?!? Nobody..repeat...NOBODY has EVER paid MY fucking hospital bills. EVER! How many fat fucks are in the doctor's office because of their fat fucking ass and their high blood pressure, over worked hearts, weak bones from carrying around all their tonnage? If non smokers don't want smokers to "kill themselves", ummm...why don't you just out law bars and taverns?!? Many of a non smokers have left bars fucked up off their asses and killed Innocent drivers! Why don't we out law all bars then? Save the non smokers! Give me a fucking titty break.

I have smoked since I was a teenager. My great aunts, uncles, parents, etc., have ALL smoked. My Great Uncle smoked THREE packs a DAY! Lived alone in his own house until the day he died at 92 years old. Not ONE person in my entire family has ever had a heart attack, lung disease, respiratory problems, nadda. My doctors have told me that I am actually HEALTHIER than thier non-smoking patients! Becuase even though I CHOOSE to smoke, I also workout several times a week and watch what I eat. So what's the deal? How come we all didn't die in an iron lung? What about the people who die of lung and heart disease who have NEVER smoked in their lives? What about the 'healthy' people who keel over at 40 from a heart attack who never smoked? And don't EVEN try to pull that second hand smoke bullshit. Most non smokers surround themselves with non smokers.

It's plain and simple. It's fucking genetics people. You're born with it, or your not. My doctor even agrees with me on this. Yeah, maybe if you are born with it, smoking might trigger it, and boom, you drop dead faster than an MTV show. So learn your family history. But to try and CONTROL people on how to run they're own lives by indulging themselves in LEGAL activities is just beyond American and what it USED to stand for. This fucking PC shit has turned this country into nothing more than a bunch of fucking whiners and complaining pussies. They better think long and real fucking hard on what they think they want. Nobody thinks about the future and how this devastates an economy. My hometown is about a ghost town now because of this same stupid fucking law. Oh, but people are now 'healthier' even though they are now out of jobs and sleeping on the streets. You want all bars/taverns/restaurants to be non smoking? Ok! Guess what? There are hardly any left now. We quit going out. Nice job you fucking unAmerican fucktard holier than thou non-smoking piece of fucking shit heads. Go PC yourself to death. Preferably in another country!

Unfucking real.

Non Smokers SUCK SUCK SUCK!

Referees SUCK! ! ! ! !

2009-02-02T11:21:00.011-05:00

Well, well, well. Did everyone enjoy the "Big Game"? What a great super bowl party. There were about 26 people in my living room. Not really, there were only 2 of us, but I have multiple personalities, so I'm like a gang wherever I go. Anyways, here is what I saw that sucked during my couch proned food orgy tv fest. (just an average day really).

Pre-Game Sucks: Did you catch the interview with Matt Lauer and Hussein Obamalamadingdong? Matt holds up the recent cover of US magazine, and mentions that he's not on the cover, just Michelle and the girls. The president says "I lost my spot to Jessica Simpson, who appears to be battling a weight issue". OUCH. Burned by the president on National live television. How will she respond? Will Jessica: a) loose weight. b) sue the president for damaging remarks. c.) have Tony Romo beat him up. d.) Be so humiliated that she locks herself inside a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop and eat her pain away until Oprah has to do an intervention and pay for the wall to be taken down and have a crane take her to Jenny Craig's mountain celebrity rehab retreat for emergency defattening.

1st Half Sucks: Pretty damn boring except towards the end of the half. But I thought the 3-D commercial was cool. Oh, and just to show how cool my life is, I actually got the very last 3-D glasses at the store. That's just how damn lucky and golden my entire life has been. FUCK! We're out of hamburger helper again?!?

Half Time Sucks: The only thing that sucked during the half time mini-concert of Bruce Springsteen and the "E" Street Band is that it just wasn't long enough damn it. The Super Bowl should have a Super Half Time show, that extends 2 or 3 hours for a normal concert. Let everyone at home and at the game get totally fucked up and wasted. It can only enhance every one's viewing pleasure. But seriously Boss, could have done without the sliding crotch into the camera. Thanks for making me question my sexuality pal.

Second Half Sucks: Did you just happen to notice just a tad bit of yellow during the second half? I haven't seen that many flags since I went on a blind date with a psycho escaped ex-con meth addict with 8 illlegitimate kids. It's ok, I'll wait until you get that one. Well, there were 18 flags thrown. Penalties against Steelers: 56 yards. Penalties against Cardinals: 106 yards! Now, first off, I honestly didn't give a shit about who won, so I really am not biased here. But the unbelievable bad calls against the Cardinals were fucking embarrassing. Not for the Cardinals, for the fucking asshole Referees! Some of them were SO fucking obviously non-existent. I've seen harder hits in FLAG football. I hope those Refs enjoy their new Cadillacs the Steelers bought them before the game. But, the one that killed me, was the Steelers James Harrison BEATING THE SHIT out of a poor Cardinal already on the ground. That piece of shit should have been EJECTED from the fucking game. It was UNREAL and disgusting the actions of the Steelers players and the horrible officiating.

All in all it was a truly exciting and good Super Bowl, but it will be marred by yet another FUCKING HORRIBLE SHIT SUCKING BRAIN DEAD CORRUPT CROOKED FUCKING INBRED BLIND ASSHOLE REFEREES! Man, that felt goooooood! This is the only shitty fucking grainy vid of the Henderson fucking asshole shit he pulled I could find.

I can only imagine how much better it would have been if the fucking Refs would have giving the Cardinals a FAIR chance. Well, they did give them a chance I guess. A FAT CHANCE IN HELL! (ha! see what I did there? I'm ever so clever, no?)

REFEREES SUCK!!!

Greed SUCKS!

2009-01-28T00:56:00.010-05:00

If the following suck doesn't make you wanna throw up, you don't deserve to breath air. A few days ago, the wonderful people at Bay City Utilities in Michigan sent out one of their people to hang a paper sign on the door knob of a resident's house to inform him that they are restricting his intake of power to heat his home until he paid his past due utility bill. Well, the fucker should pay his bill you say. I also concur, under normal circumstances. But, being that this was in Michigan, and in January, and the country is in the shit tank, you may think they would take this into consideration. Oh, and by the way....the man who was served is 93 years old and a WWII veteran. Just once more...93 FUCKING YEARS OLD.

But fuck him, the God Damn corporation needs their $1,013 from him so someone can buy their illegitimate rat bastard kid a new PlayStation game or their mistress another couple of rocks to keep her big fucking mouth shut so she won't go blabbing to the fat ugly fucking wife that he's been sticking his limp Viagra injected peen in her disease crusted baby hole. Yeah, I can understand that. Happens everyday. So they did what any good American business would do. Yup! Shut him off. So, in January, they turned the heat off on the house of an American WWII veteran who is 93 years old. Oh, and it just so happens, he died INSIDE his house of hypothermia 2 days later. Yeah, I know. What a pussy. Fucking loser.

So of course the poor over worked and over corrupt cops are bothered at Dunkins to come out and investigate. After no answer at the door, they force their way in only to find this 93 year old man frozen to death INSIDE his house. During the investigation on site, the ever so clever police "discovered" on the gentleman's kitchen table was an over due notice from the utility company, with over a thousand dollars in CASH paper clipped to the bill which he intended to pay the same day he froze. Jesus...this fucker couldn't have made it down to the bus stop and come downtown in sub zero temps to give them their money they so rightfully deserve?!? You know the utility company is fucking PISSED that they are probably going to have to go to court and sue his frozen corpse to try and get that thousand bucks. Oh, and they will. Trust me.

Isn't Amercia just the bestest place in the whole widest world?!?! A place where persistence, fortitude, strength, the need for survival, service and the right to prevail is still alive and well and a model for all that follow?

Um, I am talking about the Utility Company and not the 93 year old WWII vet.....right?!?!

I forget.

UPDATE* The frozen vet left his entire savings to a local hospital. Now go get that from them Utility Company. Fuckers. Take note of a TRUE Amercian you greedy fuking McFucktards!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/04/freezing.death.folo/index.html

full story below
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28858971/

Award Shows SUCK!

2009-01-27T00:20:00.004-05:00

If you are under the age of 3o years old, this will probably not make any fucking sense to you. Because your brain has been inundated with so much putrid garbage and mind numbing "entertainment" and "talent" that you are unable to fully function on your brains own power without the aid of an iPod hooked up to your own My Space page while you are on your iPhone texting your BFF's to check out your face book page that you just updated but are putting them on hold because your getting a text message of your other BFF's pic of her flashing her tits at yet another party that's "off the hook". Oh, and if this does fit you, just let me add, nice back tatt! It's SO original.

Now, I honestly haven't watched more than 5 minutes of any award show in probably the last 10 years, because, well.....let's face it, they're all just boring as hell with 90% of the same fucking fucky McFucktards that are there every shitty fucking year. They do their best acting job acting like they like each other and it's just so fucking laughable at how God Damn stupid these cum lappers are. They take themselves so fucking serious it makes you want to vomit in your dogs mouth while you french kiss them. Yeah, like I'm the only one it's ever happened to. Right!

It's just amazing how transparent these people are, but yet every year, true to American form, millions of brain dead screen droolers will turn in for 6 hours to watch these flesh puppets try to say anything in the least bit interesting and struggle to do so without a script or teleprompter in front of thier dumb fucking asses. And here's the killer, they actually think people give a shit what they say. Well some do. (please refer to paragraph #1)

When I was younger, award shows were truly something to behold. They really were. And I'll tell you why. Because unlike today, back then movie 'stars' weren't constantly on the cover of a 100 rags in the checkout line and on a wadzillion different websites every fucking day! We knew very little about our movie stars, thier personal lives, their beliefs, and THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKED IT! For fuck sakes, they're just fucking actors people! Today, every fucking tard that had a line in a film thinks they have the right to spew thier shit like people care. Um...WE DON'T. Just do the film and go the fuck away. I'm sorry, but stars were different then. Leading men were just that...MEN. Today, they're fucking PUSSY'S. Look up at how many stars enlisted in WWII. Oh, how about Jimmy Stewart, Glenn Ford, Eddie Albert, Raymond Burr, Lee Marvin, Clark Gable, Charleton Heston, Charles Bronson just to name a few. Um, how many "stars" enlisted to join the Iraq war? If you can think of just ONE, let me know.

Another thing that drives me fucking nuts, is that these monkey balls get together every other week to give themselves an award for putting out like 5 half ass movies all year long out of 1000. So basically, 0.015% of their work is worth watching, and this of course deserves to spend millions of dollars on award shows to pat each other on the back and tell each other what a great job they are all doing. Yeah, it's just like real life! Everytime I make a copy on the Savin 5830 scanner without getting my penis in the picture for that upcoming report for the boss , I get a statue, a check, and a day off from work. Man, am I good or what!

"Award" Shows SUCK!

Color SUCKS!

2009-01-22T11:08:00.003-05:00

Please watch this clip before reading any further if you haven't already seen it somewhere else. Go ahead, I'll wait. Done? Good. Thoughts? Yeah....me too. I honestly don't even know where in the fuck to begin on bashing these two fucking idiot racist pigs. So, just to be clear, they called The President a nigger. Yup, they called him a nigger. Nice. Yeah, because you know the only people who plays the race card are white folk. This fucking irks me beyond control. And what is even more unbelievable are the fucking idiot, mindless cattle in the crowd cheering to what this fuck stick said! Oh, he's on stage and he's black, so he must be down and cool and he's keeping it real. Me shoving that microphone up his ignorant untalented ass while I take a massive shit so huge in his mouth he'll never spew moronic racist crap again is real.

Let's all remember this clip in 4 or 8 years when Obama is down the river. When a white prez comes back, I'm assuming it's okay for me to hop on a mic and scream that my honkey is back. And I'm proud of the one's who threatened Obama or tried to hurt him while in office. Oh no, can't say that now can I! ?! No, no no. That would be .....well....racist! Un-huh.

But, the biggest thing that REALLY pisses me off is the fucking lack of media attention this is getting. They should be hanging these fucktoids from the God Damn rafters. Having cd burning parties of their shitty fucking music. Boycotting anything they put their stupid made up fucking names on or are attached to. People should be throwing shoes at these uneducated untalented racist fucking puke posers every fucking chance they can get.

Way to go Shawn Carter. (that's 'Jay Z's real name. Nice. Fucking typical). Oh, and nice fucking BUG EYES you fucking ugly mother fucking toad two faced piece of shit!
Way to go Lil' Weeney, or cheesy, or faggy or rappy or whatever the fuck your stupid fucking made up fucking uneducated typical thug ass name is. You just set 'your people' back pre-MLK in years you dumb fucking idiot.

JAY Z SUCKS THE "MANS" COCK! So does his little monkey Lil' whatever his fuck.

Fucking racist assholes.

Color SUCKS!

News Media SUCKS!

2009-01-19T15:45:00.013-05:00

We all know the news media fucking sucks, but they have out done their ass kissery recently. The news anchors tongues are just ass darts to suck up to whomever they are interviewing. I'm a self confessed "news junkie", but it's gotten to the point where I can't stand watching network news. I now get daily news info from the Cartoon Network. It's more informative and not as funny.

Balack Oslammy-Apparently we have a new president getting sworn in or something. Yeah, I was shocked when I heard it as well. His name escapes me at the moment, but if I lift up my eyes from my computer screen, perhaps it will come to me. Ah, there it is. My dog just walked by with a banner of his name on his side. Bad dog, go to the bathroom. So get this, NBC and the other loser stations are...get this...doing 15 FUCKING HOURS of coverage on the inauguration. Fifteen hours. Holy Shit! Do they have to do it in English and then again in Ebonics? What could they possible talk about for 15 fucking hours? If you watch, let me know. On second thought, don't cuz I don't give a monkey's ass. Tuesday is new video release day, and I'm getting the entire 2nd season of "Saved by the Bell" on DVD.

Now, before you get your panties all bunched up on the left side of your ass, yeah I get it. New prez, he's gonna piss gold, walk on water, save the world, historical moment, blah blah blah. Another historical moment was when I discovered Mr. Meat Bat was made for more than peeing but I don't shove it down your throat for 15 hours. Wait....scratch that. I guess I'll be super bummed out for missing the inauguration when I wake up on Wednesday morning and the world is at peace and everyone is rich and I'll have to get used to seeing that permanent rainbow in the sky. Un-huh.

Hero...NOT- Bird attacks plane, bird wins. So Sam Drucker from Green Acres here sucked up a flock of birds in his engine in New York. Ohhh boy! Wait til' PETA hears about that one. Boooyyyy you in trouuubbble! So I'm watching this shit live, and I told my girlfriend, watch, they'll call him a hero. Sure as shit, 2 hours later, hero is splashed over the screen. Hero. Really? He crashed an airplane and he's a hero? Hmmm. Pilot crashes = hero. So me speeding ticket=NASCAR Race driver. Oh, makes sense. So Sam crash lands the plane in the Hudson river and everyone gets off the plane. Um, end of story? No I say. Why? Becuase damn it! He's a fucking hero! Really, a hero? Lets reflect shall we? Lets.

So this guy is a pilot. What's his job you might ask? To fly a fucking plane, and to TRAIN on scenarios when shit doesn't go right. AND he trained others on what to do in these emergencies. AND he was also on the safety board for training for this shit. AND...it hit a bird! This shit happens ALOT. AND...he gets paid a LOT of money for this shit. When a plane crashes, usually people die. But when one lands and people walk, he's a hero. Give me a fucking break! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING JOB! It's what you get paid a TON of money for! Obviously I am glad nobody died and nobody on the ground was killed or injured. I think he did a great JOB. There's that word again. But the heroes I know of are in some shitty unmarked hole in the ground in France, or in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq. Those people did a JOB that they knew they were probably going to get killed. But the fucking news media won't do a story on Billy Nobody from Fuckstick, Idaho. He didn't get paid a lot, he didn't 'expect' to come back everyday. He had people he was responsible for too. But he was being shot at, with real live bullets. Not dodging fucking birds. He went without food, without sleep. He was cold and wet, he was hot and dry. He didn't have his wife and kids on the news smiling for the cameras. He never had a wife, he never had children. Because he never came home. Because he did a shitty thankless job that nobody wanted to and was killed so others could climb aboard some plane and go on vacation and suck up a bird and get saved be a real 'hero'.

REMEMBER THIS PEOPLE-We never get to thank Heroes.

News Media SUCKS!

Television SUCKS (part 1)

2009-01-16T00:15:00.009-05:00

I just can't fucking take it anymore. I can't. It's inconceivable to absorb the plethora of pure fucking shit they put over the airwaves anymore. OK, fuck you kiddies, before cable lines, there were airwaves. Read about it in your local library. But you won't, so google it you fucktoid.

At any given time, in any given shitty city, there are around 200 channels (give or take) of the most uninteresting mind numbing afterbirths of a show on your screen. And now, in HD! My thumb is beyond surgical repair from the constant surfing I am forced to endure in search of a program I find mildly interesting. There are a few I like, don't get me wrong, but out of 200 and some channels?!? A fucking few?!? From my scientific mathematical calculations, I am paying over $100 a month to watch five channels. That's like being legally raped in 10 states! So apparently, I am an electronically visual moronic whore. Luckily, my local cable company practices safe sex when they fuck me each month. They include a condom with each monthly statement, which is nice. Why can't we just order and pay for the channels we want? You know why we can't? Because there would only be FIVE CHANNELS TO CHOOSE FROM! ! ! ! The reason they have "packages" from your cable provider, is so these shit channels can get money from them to keep them going. Who the fuck else would ever order them?!? And natch, the provider gets kick backs from including them in the packages.

Have you ever met anyone that honestly wants to watch a program on antique candle holder repairing? Or watch their daughter sleep with a washed up bald singer from a crappy 80's rock band? Or some fart faced punk who thinks he can host a talk show? Yeah, that's great television right there pal. I would rather watch the puss run down Amy Winehouse's anal vestibule from one of her many yet to be discovered and named diseases.

When I was growing up, there were only THREE channels on television. I'll wait why you shudder in disbelief. But honestly, three. That's it. On a clear night, you might pick up PBS. And you know what? The shows that were on those three channels were fucking GOOD! You couldn't WAIT to watch that one show you've been waiting for. No bullshit fakey 'reality' TV, no I wanna be a fame whore no matter what. Just good ol' fashion honest fucking entertainment by actual talented sons of bitches. Trust me assholes, those days are long, long gone.

If you read this far, you may be curious to know which channels I actually do like to watch. I honestly don't like divulging too much of myself on here, but because you and I are tight, here are just a few samples. I fucking LOVE Turner Classic Movies. Why? Those 'old movies' are probably the best God Damn films you'll ever fucking watch. And, no commercials, and never edited. Discovery Channel is another favorite. I wake up in the morning and watch Discovery Sunrise. It's a complete fucking hour of nothing but spectacular vistas of sunrises from all over the globe in HD. No music, no voice over, just the sounds of nature and it's surrounding wildlife. It's the best way to wake up in the morning while having coffee and reading the news on my laptop. National Geographic. God I love this channel. It's truly a 'no bullshit' channel with some of the best reporting on television today on topics that are so interesting you can't move. That's just a few, I have a couple more on my fav button, but you got a taste.

I dont' subscribe to HBO, Showtime or any other of that shit. I guess there are some good shows on there, but fuck them. I ain't paying more than I am now for a cocksucking television channel. I guess there is a quiet, internal peace one gets when one begins to reach a 'certain' age. A peace you get that is birthed in your youth and nurtures in your memory for the rest of your days. And no matter what lay ahead, no matter how technically advanced we become, or how shocking, perverted, disgusting, intruiguing shows become. They will never be as warm, comforting, and simply innocent as those shows on the three channels I had when I was young.

Yeah, Television SUCKS!

Ryan Seacrest SUCKS!

2009-01-14T11:42:00.005-05:00

God I hate this faggot. No, I don't hate fags or lesbos or transgender or whatever the fuck they're called, I really don't. So ease up on the fucking hate mail there pole smoke. I just hate this one. So we were watching American Idol and this sperm vaccum tries to high five a blind contestant! Jesus this twink is a fucking idiot. I guess he was too busy staring at the other dudes ass or trying to get the phone number off a 16 year old boy to rape later to actually pay the fuck attention. That's what your paid for Ryanus! How fucking hard is that? Seriously cock breath.

His doucheduggery was apparent just a few nights ago when he was trying to get Brad and Angelina over for an interview and they totally snubbed his ass. Ryanus was right next to them and they didn't even acknowledge his shit stained dickness. HA! Yeah, let's get somebody to do interviews on the red carpet that NOBODY can stand. Good call you fucktards.

So this opened up the discussion over whether he's a faggot or not. Well, he has said he's not. Oh, okay, well.....if Ryanus said he isn't, I guess he's not. Un-huh. Sure, he's had his pic taken with a few girls over the last couple of years. Wait! A FEW girls?!? If I was him I would be banging every fucking star struck whore I could until my wang rotted off. Then I would go get a wooden cock added to me (Like George Washington did), and fuck the rest of the skanks I missed the first time around. Did you see him with the "Bikini Skank" on Idol? Just a TAD uncomfortable Ryanus? That looked like me getting ready to make out with my dad.

What's truly sad, is that this is the fucking best Hollywood can do! Just fucking hit me in the face with a wooden dildo with nails driven into it. Because that's what if feels like everytime I'm forced to see this prick. And shut the fuck up Carson Daily, you are just equally shitty and faggy as Ryanus. Yeah, these pricks are what we get to look forward to for the next several decades as 'hosts and presenters". Unless.....Carson and Ryanus hook up, and get stuck like dogs, and then fall off their balcony while trying to get unstuck! Fuck you....I can dream fucker.

Ryanus Seacrust SUCKS!

OPRAH SUCKS!

2009-01-05T16:07:00.006-05:00

So, Ocow is on the tube today and telling everyone why she is fat. Again. What could have cuased it this time Opie? Stedman not forcing the burnt beef curtains enough? It can't be your BFF Gayle. Nobody has seen her lately, so let's assume she is still safely up in your ass. Hmmm...this is perplexing.

She is saying that it's caused from, now get this, you'll love it....it's because her 'life is out of balance". Really. Your life is out of balance. Wow, poor fucking thing. Try having your god damn CHECK BOOK out of balance and see if THAT helps you fucking stop shoving live piggies down your throat. Give me a fucking break. And NOW, she is ALSO saying it's her Thyroid. Un-huh. Life out of balance, thyroid, and NOW she added depression. Yup. Can't be due to the fact that you've been a fucking cow your entire life. Nahhhhh......that's not it.

She is SO fucking full of shit. Now, I know other people have issues, but fuck them, I'm talking about Oprah. Look, she isn't that much older than me. My waist size is the same size since I was discharged from the Marine Corps. Over 25 fucking years ago! BTW, it's 34. It's not what your "blame of the day" you stupid rich fat cow...it's your fucking life style. Simple. You lost it a hundred times before, you just cant keep it the fuck off. So, now you'll do ANOTHER fucking 30 stories on it.

Does she think just becuase she's extremely rich and famous, she knows what the fuck she's talking about?!? You obviously don't know what the fuck you're talking about when it comes to losing weight fatty mcFatass! So STFU and stick to subjects you know! Like kissing celebrities asses and trying to give shit away to a room full of OAK's. (OAK's = Oprah Asshole Kissers).

Oprah SUCKS! Usually everything right off the fucking plate.

Unemployment SUCKS! ! !

2008-12-31T14:04:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. Get the fuck over it.

I lost my job SEVEN fucking months ago. SEVEN! And I still can't find shit. This sucks worse than Cassey Anthony's parenting skills.

Christmas SUCKS!

2007-12-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

Don't even fucking act like this is the most wonderful time of the year because if it is, then strap a rope around my neck and hitch me to the back of santa's fucking sleigh and drag me through reindeer poop. This time of year just naturally brings out the asshole in all. Everybody is stressed out, in a big fucking hurry, fighting over parking spaces, buying the perfect shitty gift for thier perfectly shitty family, getting the house ready for the in-bred-laws or trying to get the family truckster ready to go over the hills and through the woods to dying granny's apartment that smells like cat shit and death. Big fun, where do I sign up?

At what point in our recently fucked up past did our current Christmas holiday go from attending church to celebrate the birth of Christ to sleeping in front of Sprawl-Mart to save three bucks off the latest Yani CD to give to that "special" someone on your list? Fucking monkey faggot farts. Yeah, I'm sure that's what the big guy upstairs had in mind when he diddled Mary and got her frigid ass knocked up. Speaking of which, how long do you think that shit would last these days? "Honey, I'm telling you....I haven't slept with anyone, including you!" The only reason Joesph didn't dump that bitch is because lawyers weren't invented then.

Christmas is so far beyond unbelievably fucked up I can't even think about it because the veins in my neck start to pop out and the corner of my eye gets an uncontrollable eye twitch. If you think I'm nuts, then try this: When it comes time to exchange Christmas gifts with your family or whoever your banging this month, instead of passing out all the crappy shit you went in debt for to give your ungrateful peeps, walk up to each one, give them a hug, and tell them "Merry Christmas, I love you". And that's it. No presents. Nothing gift wrapped. Nadda. Then sit back and watch the stunned look on everyones pissed off eyes. But shouldn't that be enough? Isn't that the true meaning of Christmas? Family, friends, love, sharing, and remembering? I know it's not according to every fucking store trying to shove "Christmas" down your throat every time you turn on the TV or open a newspaper. Yeah, you can't have a Christmas unless you have a pocket full of receipts. God damn poop stain monkey lickers. They can all kiss my hairy ball sack.

It's no fucking wonder why the entire world hates Americans. We as a society are so fucking shallow and materialistic it truly is sickening. I'm even amazed at myself when I walk through a store and get pissed off because I don't own a 285 inch plasma TV while millions of other people are trying to decide whether to have dirt or grass on their flies for breakfast. God must be so proud of us.

But, I will, along with everyone else, celebrate Christmas, albeit a little differently. All alone sitting on my couch in my fat clothes watching football all day and stuffing my fat face with an array of store bought pre-packaged genetically altered pork products. Yum. But just to show I have the Christmas spirit, I had my lady friend pose for a picture by our tree.

Merry Christmas you butt fuckers. Christmas SUCKS!

Kids SUCK!

2007-12-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's right, and if you think your kids are great and don't suck, you're fucking clueless and your kids are the biggest turd lickers on the fucking planet. We were all little hellraisers growing up, but nowadays it's infucking sane. Everytime they don't get what they want they grab a gun and head to school or the local mall and start blasting away or hide in their bedrooms and cut themselves because they are hurting "emotionally". Get the fuck over yourself you self-absorbed piece of shit. Maybe if your parents took away your computer and ipod and Xbox and made you do some fucking chores and get a job, you'ld be too fucking tired to think about how sad you are and you wouldn't have time to polish the boogers off of your latest nose stud.

When I was growing up, a school shooting was the day they took your picture for the year book. And if someone brought a knife to school, he was a bad mudda fucka. And if you didn't like somebody, you met them across the street after school and wailed on each other and when it was done, you went back to being friends. Now every other under achieving pizza faced puke is packing heat, hooked on meth, or has there own porn site. Nice. And if school wasn't bad enough, these fucking losers who try to "home" school their kids might as well just drop them off at Bob Evans so they can begin their illustrous career. Yeah, I'm sure your fucking house gives out a ton of scholarships to colleges. You fucking ignorant fetus plant.

It's truly amazing when I see all the fucking crap parents buy their mistakes just so they don't have to spend time with the bastards. They sit on their computers on my space, downloading music, sending their ugly butt face into my tube so they can think they're "someone". Heaven forbid if someone unplugged the shit and made them crack open an actual book and watch them while they did their homework so they could learn to fucking speak and write with the rest of the fucking world. You can already tell today how these fucking piss ants have no clue on how to act and interact with society. Pay attention your next time at a drive through.

Now you see where all their time online is catching up with these rodent teens, because potential employees check online to see pics of them snorting coke and getting banged by 12 guys. Nice. I can see in the future when employers have people fill out an application and request a copy of their sex tape they made while in junior high. If they didn't make one, there's the door.

This world has been going down the shit chute since the sixties and there isn't a plunger big enough to clean the bowl. Thank god I didn't add to this shit by thinking I needed to reproduce to justify my existence. I bet if you could interview sperm and ask them if they wanted to hit the egg to join the shit fest known as the world, they would opt out. Ya see, I don't think that one sperm is stronger than all the others that gets through, it was the dumb one, and the others chose to go down the toilet. Poor fucker.

Yeah, you know it's true, kids suck!

Doctors SUCK!

2007-12-06T12:23:00.001-05:00

Why are doctors such fucking assholes when it comes to getting what you want or what you need to treat your own ailments? FUCK! I've had back surgery 11 years ago that was unable to correct my pain permanently becuase another fucking doctor didn't even bother to take a fucking x-ray let alone an MRI to find that my disk in my lower back had exploded into my spinal column leaving me with permanent nerve damage. Three years ago I had two disks replaced in my neck. I'm sure by the time I'm dead, I'll have more metal in me than Dennis Rodmans face. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I just want my fucking meds when I need them!

After a year and a half of rehabilitation following my back surgery, I was still in a lot of pain and was determined unfit to return to my career of 14 years. Fucking great. 11 years ago I was making over $70,000 a year. For the first time in my life I thought things were starting to look up. Then come to find out I have degenerative bone disease. Ya know, some people inherit money, looks, talent. Not me, I get weak bones. Thanks mom. They did another MRI and my surgeon said he would never go into my back again because it was just too dangerous, and could leave me paralyzed. Fucking great again. He told me I would just have to live with the pain, and I'll have good days and bad days. Fair enough, I can live with that. Then how come my fucking doctors can't!!?!?

So, I move to Indiana and it's such fun finding a new quack to be sympathetic to my pain and prescribe me some pain medication. I don't take them everyday because I don't need to. But some days I need three or even four, especially if I have been...oh, I don't know....maybe raking 14 tons of fucking leaves in my yard or shoveling bull fucking shit snow!?! I would like to smack them in the spine with a sledge hammer then tell them to go do yard work for 5 hours and too fucking bad if it hurts, because I'm not prescribing any pain medication. Fucking bastards.

I've had two doctors in Indiana tell me they don't want to just throw medication at me, because that's not treating the problem, only the effects of the problem. HELLO McFLY?!? What fucking part of PERMANENT NERVE DAMAGE don't they understand? Oh and of course, none of them have back problems.

These fucks always want me to go get steroid injections, which I do, because I fucking have to so I get my pain meds. So I jump through the fucking medical hoops, get my steroid injections, which by the way is fucking painful as hell, and doesn't do jack shit on a poop stain dick! They just make me do all this so they can add another room to their summer home in Florida or buy their dumb slutty mistress a Geo metro.

And then they wonder why people hate fucking doctors.

DOCTORS SUCK!

Neighbors SUCK!

2007-11-29T12:42:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this can relate at some point in their lives having shitty neighbors. I've lived in 7 different states, and 14 different residences, and all but two didn't have fucking pricks for neighbors. Obviously assholes are everywhere, we all know that, but life just fucking sucks when they live right next door. Or in my case, opposite my backyard. A lot of different reasons make up a fucked up neighbor, I'm sticking to the obvious ones. I think the only thing I am ever guilty of as far as being a fuck stick is playing music too loud and maybe too late, but that's very rare nowadays as my dreams of becoming a rock star have all but vanished.

I live in a real nice area where damn near everyone is friendly, takes care of their yards, respects each others property and privacy, and keeps to them fucking selves. But, lucky me, the white trash inbred hill jacks just rolled into town fresh from the Twin Twigs Trailer Park Emporium and moved where? Right behind fucking me! Mother fuck me up the ass. FUCK! You can't possibly imagine how incredibly white trash these fucking losers are. They truly take the cake of every piece of fucking shit I have ever lived by before. They have two inbred kids who are constantly screaming at the top of their lungs when they are outside. Good luck sitting on the deck and enjoying the summer anymore. Fuckers. Of course their "parents", they're likely brother and sister, don't do fucking jack shit. And naturally the cunt was preggers when they moved in. Great. Let's keep that welfare line growing you GED dropout sperm catcher.

Apparently the father, who is bald and more white than the inside of Keith Richards nose, got a raise at the local Dollar General to move them out of the trailer park. These fuckers have only mowed three times in six months! And I swear to God, it was the pregger slut sack out doing it! The house was really nice, formerly lived in by an elderly couple who took great care of the house and yard but retired to Florida to make room for hillbilly's-R-us. They have yet to rake up one cock sucking leaf! Thanks, because it will just blow in the neighbors yard, you fucking inconsiderate sewer monkeys. Every window has a different color sheet hanging in it and their little fence is now broken and lying all over the yard. I swear they're trying to turn our neighborhood into some sort of upper class trailer park.

I can't count how many fantasies I've had about blowing that fucking house up with all those bottom feeders in it. I do have my dog trained to take a shit in their front yard though. Not like they would ever notice. I think that's where their goat-kids crap. And what fucking kills me is that we have an association that makes you keep up your shit. WTF?!?! Obviously it's time for me to take matters into my own hands. If anyone knows where I can big up some cheap grenades, please leave your number.

Neighbors make or break a good home, no question about it. I keep thinking they're too fucking poor to live in my area for too long, or at least thats what in my prayers at night. Somethings gotta give, because I can't take another summer of those fuckers. Especially now that they added another toothless mouth to their herd.

Fucking neighbors SUCK!

Getting Old SUCKS!

2007-11-26T15:08:00.000-05:00

This is how I look in the morning before my coffee. I wish somebody would explain to me why our bodies aging process is so obvious but yet our fucking brains still think they're 15 years younger than the outside. I was raking my yard over the weekend and bagging all the leaves. Shit banging faggot monkeys, I couldn't even fucking walk yesterday I was so fucking sore. I still am today, but I'm just holding the signs of excruciating pain under raps so nobody notices. Ya see! There's my point exactly. I can't walk around and say, "I raked leaves this weekend, so I won't be into work today because I can't move". What?!? Are you so fucking old and out of shape you can't even rake leaves without needing three days to recuperate?!? Sadly, that would be a yes.

Same thing goes for every aspect in life. Take food for example. I used to be able to sit down and eat two steaks, six baked potatoes and a half loaf of bread, and then get dressed, still able to fit into my 34 inch waist pants, and go out and party for the night. And I actually did eat that all in one sitting. Now, if I have a second helping of spaghetti, I can't even move from the kitchen table until I shit myself and sleep for 10 hours. How come my fucked up brain doesn't know that I'm fat and full and don't need anymore? I'm not suppressing some childhood gang bang from my daddy's buddies or anything. Why can't my fat ass belly get in sync with my "I'm stuffed" sensor? Should I start getting used to Gerber baby food again already?

Remember when you could go out during the week night and party your ass off until 2 in the morning then pop up and go to work the next morning? Not me, those brain cells are long fucking gone, but I know I used to do it, I've seen the pictures. Jesus turtle nipples, it takes me three fucking days to get over a serious bout of abusing alcohol. All I can do now the morning after is lie on the couch with a tub full of diet coke and keep the dog still to keep the carpet noise down. The only good thing about not doing that anymore is not waking up next to some weird psycho in the morning. Now days I wake up next to the same one every day.

Have you ever noticed when you see someone on the news you haven't seen in a long time, and you think to yourself, holy shit! They look like death! Doesn't it seem that everyone is getting older but you? Or when you see some relative you haven't seen in a long time, and you know the next time you see them they'll be horizontal and you'll be wearing black? Now imagine one of your stupid fucking nieces or nephews saying the same thing about you! Those ungrateful smart ass little fuckers! Christ, I just officially turned into my dad. Great.

And I know, people say you're only as old as you feel. Fuck you asshole! I feel like I'm 93 fucking years old. The only difference is that my wiener still works. Thank god for fucking vicodin and Jim Beam or I would be a paraplegic. At least the leaves are all done now. Great....here comes the fucking snow.

I'll get somebody younger to shovel.

Son of a fucking ball sack wrinkles, getting old SUCKS!

Money SUCKS!

2007-11-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

Well, to be more accurate, lack of money sucks. I get so sick and fucking tired of movie stars complaining how hard their lives are because they don't have any privacy when they go out or they are under so much pressure. Pressure?!? You son of a monkey faggot fuckers! You have no clue what pressure is. Do you have to decide whether to buy groceries or to get Hannibal Jr. his Ritalin so he'll stop butt fucking the neighborhood pets? No. Do you have to start thinking whose salad you can toss so you can make this months rent? Didn't think so.

But, money doesn't buy you happiness. Fuck you and the silver spoon that scraped you off of your mommas fat ass cottage cheesed thighs you fake piece of shit. Let me be the judge of that! I'll take a crack at not being happy while I try to figure out what bodily orifice I can shove more wads of my cash into. Yeah, must be horrible to decide on which fucking vehicle I want to wreck today or trying to find a store you haven't dumped money in before.

I love it when I see some rich cunt on the news showing off her disfigured body because her back alley plastic surgeon butchered her like victim #5 from Halloween IV. Good! This is obvious evidence that you have too much fucking time and money on your wrinkly ugly hands. Besides, do you really think just because you get a boob job and face tuck your hubby is going to stop fucking those 19 year old Swedish twins? Yeah, in your Harlequin dreams!

My mom once told me, there are some people in this world that just weren't made to have money, and we're one of them. Yeah, well fuck her too! Thanks for marrying "down" mom. Holy fucking dog balls, how fucking low was your self-esteem the day you decided to ride "daddy" all the way to the alter?!? A beer truck driver? That's the best you could do? Thanks for that impressive career choice.

But, I have dated two actual millionaires in my life. Jesus, what a pair of fucking losers. Both in their middle 30's and never married?!? That raises more flags than Disneyland! All they cared about was their money, and then worry that their "friends" only liked them for it. Well fuck! It's not like your hiding it by living in a one bedroom apartment! Fucking stupid rich fucking whores.

I guess I'll never have those problems. But, I guess I'm rich in a lot of ways. I have a shit load of cholesterol, more dog hair covered furniture than anyone I know, and I'm on first name basis with that dude at the liquor store. Yep, it's good to be king.

Gobble gobble everyone. Now fuck off!

Holidays SUCK!

2007-11-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

Now, hold on before you get your nipples all knotted up. I like the holidays just as much as the next asshole, but if you don't realize the sucky part of holidays, you're either detached from your brain stem or so fucking ignorant you can't tell Thanksgiving from Valentines Day. Yes, it's great to get a break from those back stabbing worthless pricks we call co-workers. And it's nice to stay up late and drink without forcing yourself up before dawn and maneuver your still drunken ass to work.

If you have Thanksgiving at your place and are planning on having a bunch of family and/or friends over, stock up on the booze and Xanax and try to get alcohol poisoning before anyone shows up. This will dull the pain of pretending to like everyone at your house and what their boring lives are up to. If it's anything like it is at my family gatherings, someone is bound to at least do one of the following: get too drunk) start crying) get in a fight) leave before dinner) throw up) pass out) get arrested). Wait, that was last years Thanksgiving. Anywho, it's guaranteed to suck at some degree. It's the law.

Now, if you're single, or not planning on driving back to grandma's because you don't have $2,000 for gas and are going to stay home and lay low, it still sucks, but not nearly as much. The thing that sucks is you probably won't have turkey, because who is going to make a turkey dinner just for themselves? And if you do, you're an extreme flamer with way too much time and too many issues. Besides, is turkey so fucking good that you constantly order it when you go out?!? It's usually not even on the fucking menu. You can't go out to eat, because most shit is closed. So you have to plan ahead, and buy a good frozen pizza, booze, munchies, and a fresh refill from your local pharmacy. (insert drug of choice here).

So it comes down to logistical willingness and personal happiness. Hmmm....should I put up with bullshit drivers, massive traffic jams, insane gas prices, just to get wasted around my family and eat some cold ugly bird? Or stay home, get just as wasted if not more, eat what the fuck I want, sleep in my own bed, and not be reminded of how much of a dissapointment I am? I don't know how I'm going to be able to answer that one.

Yeah, holidays SUCK and you know it. Now time for your drunkening.

Mini Vans SUCK!

2007-11-16T11:09:00.000-05:00

I want to hunt down and shoot the cock sucker who invented transportation designed specifically for the driving impaired. It's obviously a pre-requisite to be a mega breeder with 5 kids from 8 different fathers with the inability to focus on anything longer than signing the back of a welfare check or staring at the drive thru menu. I think there must be some minivan lo jack magnet on my fucking truck, because these fucking non-driving hill jacks swarm my vehicle every time I hit the road. Did they make these refrigerator boxes unable to go over 40 fucking miles per hour? Why didn't they just call these ugly personal school buses what they really are? A fucking living room!

You got the bastard kids in the back watching DVD's, playing PS2 or gameboys or whatever they're told what's currently cool, the teenaged slut in training showing her thong crack out the window while texting her peeps on where her next My Space gang bang video will be filmed, and Shamoo the mom steering with her third belly roll while talking on the cell with her psychic friends network while trying to manipulate the corner of a bag of Cheetos. Holy fucking crap. Just fuck me in the ass with a razor covered dildo and kill me. Seriously. Are these tards so oblivious to the fact that they are moving down a public road with actual other people on it?!?

Just because they're driving around with kids skateboarding in the back of their van while Sabrina the teen aged slut gives this months dad a reach around, they think everybody else should be respectful of their wheels. FUCK YOU, you mini van driving piece of inbreded piles of dog shit! Take the fucking bus! They were built with you in mind!

It's Friday and I need multiple servings of everything. You figure it out. And by the way, my woman drives a mini van. And yes, she sucks too. Thank God!

As always, Fuck off!

Wind SUCKS!

2007-11-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

GOD I hate fucking wind! It ruins everything. You can't do shit in the fucking wind except spit straight out and watch it splat on the dufus standing next to you.

You can dress for the cold, heat, get an umbrella for the rain, shovel the snow. Wind?!? You're fucked. Try having a nice barbeque on the deck or picnic at the park or go boating on the lake. Yeah, I love it when my chips blow all over the deck and I'm trying to hold down my plate while taking a bite out of a burger and have the ketchup run UP my face vertically. Good times.

Don't you just love getting all dressed up for some big event and by the time you park your car, get out, and get inside it looks like you just got done with a 9 hour ride on the back of a Harley? Fucking wind.

Yeah, I know my hair looks like shit. I was wearing a hat, but if BLEW THE FUCK AWAY! Fucking wind. It's the only kind of blow job I hate.

Time to go out and try to get my smoke lit.

Fucking wind sucks!

New England Patriots SUCK! !

2007-11-14T16:10:00.000-05:00

Well, all of New England sucks! Fuck those self-important butt fucking faggot lickers. They have more money to dump on thier fucking sports teams than anyone else and they still bitch and fucking moan when they don't get their way. Even when they CHEAT! Fucking East Coast piece of tranny fucking whore fags.

So the Colts lost Freeney today, as well as the backup linebacker, along with Harrison, Clark, Gonzales, the waterboy, a parking lot attendant, two ticket takers, and the cunt that makes the hotel reservations for the team when they travel. Holy fuck! Do they put disease ridden Gator Aid in their bottles! Unfucking real. But, we'll still probably go to the Super Bowl and have to hear those East Coast fags bitch about something else.

Vinne-fairy sucks as a fucking non-kicking piece of shit. Way to loose the game you pole smoke. Holy hairy anus droppings, even I could have made that fucker!

My tooth hurts, and I want some baked spaghetti and a cocktail, so fuck off until tomorrow.

Tuesday's SUCK!

2007-11-14T09:13:00.000-05:00

They're better than Mondays, because Mondays suck monkey farts. But it's not quite hump day, and you have almost the entire work week left. Fucking Tuesdays. But no matter what day, mother fucking people still can't drive worth a fucking donkey shit! GOD! Indianapolis has the WORST drivers on the fucking planet. I've never seen a city with more accidents and Interstates closed due to butt fuckers crashing into each other and killing themselves. Granted, it's a couple less dumb fucks on the road, but there's a fucking boat full to take their place!

This is why I don't own a gun. I'ld fucking use it on my daily commute.