The Oscars SUCK!

Okay, they always fucking suck. When I heard Hugh "really, he's not gay....he has a wife and adopted kids and everything!" Jackman was hosting, I thought it would turn into a dancing singing peen show. But it was actually pretty fucking good as far as this shit goes. But we have to state the obvious fucking reasons why Hollywood is still the biggest shit hole full of looney turds on the planet.

Not dressing. Okay you self important bloated shit toads. This is just ONE fucking night when anyone who has electricity in their country and knows somebody with a TV watches your stupid self important asses. Do think just MAYBE you could wear something appropriate??! Fuck! Even I take off my sweatpants and put on normal job wearing duds when I have a job interview! Well, if I ever had an interview I mean. Fuck you! It could happen! Hey Phillip Seymour "I like to snort coke off of 12 year old girls ass and molest them while my girlfriend crams a dildo up my ass" Hoffman! Is that your 'official' going to the Oscars stocking cap?!? Wow there slimdog millionaire, thanks for not even trying. Really, it's okay. We know your fat, and bald, and ugly, and a child molester, and a coke head. Ugly fucking shit loser. Good actor, don't get me wrong! But it all ends right there.



Ummm......Goldie?!? Got a minute hun? Over here! Shhhhh! Hey, just so ya know?!? Umm, nobody has EVER wanted to see your pancake tits since the sixties, and they sure in the fuck don't want to see them now. So here's a headband, now just slip it over your poppie floppys before you go out there and present the next award, okay? Jesus, even Kurt doesn't want to to see those sun dried raisins.

Acceptance Speeches-Fuck, don't even get me going. I'm sure we can all agree we absolutely cringe when nobody you've ever heard of and could give a tit shit about gets up and reads even more names of people we've never heard of and could give a tit shit about. Kate Winslet had the best speech of the night when she asked her dad to whistle. That shit was fucking great! Because it's real and SOOOO non Hollywood. Most of the other speeches I couldn't understand if I had a fucking translator. Shit, I thought for a moment my dog stepped on the remote and changed the channel to a story on Al-Qaeda suicide bombers. Mickey Rourke didn't win the Oscar, but he won the coolest fucking person in the entire God Damn room award. Sean Peen is a fucking pencil dick asshole who still had to spout out his normal nobody gives a shit about your political views bullshit. Oh, and I love the way he thanked his wife. Oh, wait a minute. That's right, he didn't. Well that's understandable, considering she's not the one he's been fucking since he married her. What a fucking douchefag. Oh, and if you ever see me renting "Milk", it's not me. Someone has over taken my body and I'm already dead, so don't bother talking to my corpse.

Performances-They always suck. But if Beyonce wasn't lip syncing, I'll blow my dad while screwing my dog in the pooper. Well, this time it's over a bet, so it's different. Can't we all just agree that those singing and dancing routines have ZERO relevance since the 1950's?!? Holy fucking cat cocks. Those things are the most boring things on television. Well, besides a Ryan Seacrest interview. Like I said, I enjoyed the opening of the show and it was original and new. But then again I was drunk and the percocet was humming happily through my veins. I would have thought Ernest Borgnine in a thong would have been cool.

Surprises-None. I picked every fucking winner before it even started. And that just sucks. Because I wanted Mickey Rourke to win, but I picked Sean Peen. But how cool would it have been if Mickey Rourke stormed the stage and beat the shit out of Peen and took his Oscar! Mmmm, now there's hours of self-pleasuring thoughts!

Wrap-Up: As usual, it went too long, no big surprises. Once again they should take out all those "nobody gives a fucking shit about" awards and narrow it down to 2 hours so I can get back to watching LockUp on National Geographic. If you ever want to see REAL acting, catch that show. Imagine how you would have to act just to stay alive! "Why yes, I am your new 'celly', and happy to be here. What's that? You want me to sit on your lap while you comfort me? Gee, this place is going to be just swell!!"

Oscars SUCK!