Neighbors SUCK!

I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this can relate at some point in their lives having shitty neighbors. I've lived in 7 different states, and 14 different residences, and all but two didn't have fucking pricks for neighbors. Obviously assholes are everywhere, we all know that, but life just fucking sucks when they live right next door. Or in my case, opposite my backyard. A lot of different reasons make up a fucked up neighbor, I'm sticking to the obvious ones. I think the only thing I am ever guilty of as far as being a fuck stick is playing music too loud and maybe too late, but that's very rare nowadays as my dreams of becoming a rock star have all but vanished.

I live in a real nice area where damn near everyone is friendly, takes care of their yards, respects each others property and privacy, and keeps to them fucking selves. But, lucky me, the white trash inbred hill jacks just rolled into town fresh from the Twin Twigs Trailer Park Emporium and moved where? Right behind fucking me! Mother fuck me up the ass. FUCK! You can't possibly imagine how incredibly white trash these fucking losers are. They truly take the cake of every piece of fucking shit I have ever lived by before. They have two inbred kids who are constantly screaming at the top of their lungs when they are outside. Good luck sitting on the deck and enjoying the summer anymore. Fuckers. Of course their "parents", they're likely brother and sister, don't do fucking jack shit. And naturally the cunt was preggers when they moved in. Great. Let's keep that welfare line growing you GED dropout sperm catcher.

Apparently the father, who is bald and more white than the inside of Keith Richards nose, got a raise at the local Dollar General to move them out of the trailer park. These fuckers have only mowed three times in six months! And I swear to God, it was the pregger slut sack out doing it! The house was really nice, formerly lived in by an elderly couple who took great care of the house and yard but retired to Florida to make room for hillbilly's-R-us. They have yet to rake up one cock sucking leaf! Thanks, because it will just blow in the neighbors yard, you fucking inconsiderate sewer monkeys. Every window has a different color sheet hanging in it and their little fence is now broken and lying all over the yard. I swear they're trying to turn our neighborhood into some sort of upper class trailer park.


I can't count how many fantasies I've had about blowing that fucking house up with all those bottom feeders in it. I do have my dog trained to take a shit in their front yard though. Not like they would ever notice. I think that's where their goat-kids crap. And what fucking kills me is that we have an association that makes you keep up your shit. WTF?!?! Obviously it's time for me to take matters into my own hands. If anyone knows where I can big up some cheap grenades, please leave your number.

Neighbors make or break a good home, no question about it. I keep thinking they're too fucking poor to live in my area for too long, or at least thats what in my prayers at night. Somethings gotta give, because I can't take another summer of those fuckers. Especially now that they added another toothless mouth to their herd.

Fucking neighbors SUCK!

Getting Old SUCKS!

This is how I look in the morning before my coffee. I wish somebody would explain to me why our bodies aging process is so obvious but yet our fucking brains still think they're 15 years younger than the outside. I was raking my yard over the weekend and bagging all the leaves. Shit banging faggot monkeys, I couldn't even fucking walk yesterday I was so fucking sore. I still am today, but I'm just holding the signs of excruciating pain under raps so nobody notices. Ya see! There's my point exactly. I can't walk around and say, "I raked leaves this weekend, so I won't be into work today because I can't move". What?!? Are you so fucking old and out of shape you can't even rake leaves without needing three days to recuperate?!? Sadly, that would be a yes.

Same thing goes for every aspect in life. Take food for example. I used to be able to sit down and eat two steaks, six baked potatoes and a half loaf of bread, and then get dressed, still able to fit into my 34 inch waist pants, and go out and party for the night. And I actually did eat that all in one sitting. Now, if I have a second helping of spaghetti, I can't even move from the kitchen table until I shit myself and sleep for 10 hours. How come my fucked up brain doesn't know that I'm fat and full and don't need anymore? I'm not suppressing some childhood gang bang from my daddy's buddies or anything. Why can't my fat ass belly get in sync with my "I'm stuffed" sensor? Should I start getting used to Gerber baby food again already?

Remember when you could go out during the week night and party your ass off until 2 in the morning then pop up and go to work the next morning? Not me, those brain cells are long fucking gone, but I know I used to do it, I've seen the pictures. Jesus turtle nipples, it takes me three fucking days to get over a serious bout of abusing alcohol. All I can do now the morning after is lie on the couch with a tub full of diet coke and keep the dog still to keep the carpet noise down. The only good thing about not doing that anymore is not waking up next to some weird psycho in the morning. Now days I wake up next to the same one every day.

Have you ever noticed when you see someone on the news you haven't seen in a long time, and you think to yourself, holy shit! They look like death! Doesn't it seem that everyone is getting older but you? Or when you see some relative you haven't seen in a long time, and you know the next time you see them they'll be horizontal and you'll be wearing black? Now imagine one of your stupid fucking nieces or nephews saying the same thing about you! Those ungrateful smart ass little fuckers! Christ, I just officially turned into my dad. Great.

And I know, people say you're only as old as you feel. Fuck you asshole! I feel like I'm 93 fucking years old. The only difference is that my wiener still works. Thank god for fucking vicodin and Jim Beam or I would be a paraplegic. At least the leaves are all done now. Great....here comes the fucking snow.

I'll get somebody younger to shovel.

Son of a fucking ball sack wrinkles, getting old SUCKS!

Money SUCKS!

Well, to be more accurate, lack of money sucks. I get so sick and fucking tired of movie stars complaining how hard their lives are because they don't have any privacy when they go out or they are under so much pressure. Pressure?!? You son of a monkey faggot fuckers! You have no clue what pressure is. Do you have to decide whether to buy groceries or to get Hannibal Jr. his Ritalin so he'll stop butt fucking the neighborhood pets? No. Do you have to start thinking whose salad you can toss so you can make this months rent? Didn't think so.

But, money doesn't buy you happiness. Fuck you and the silver spoon that scraped you off of your mommas fat ass cottage cheesed thighs you fake piece of shit. Let me be the judge of that! I'll take a crack at not being happy while I try to figure out what bodily orifice I can shove more wads of my cash into. Yeah, must be horrible to decide on which fucking vehicle I want to wreck today or trying to find a store you haven't dumped money in before.

I love it when I see some rich cunt on the news showing off her disfigured body because her back alley plastic surgeon butchered her like victim #5 from Halloween IV. Good! This is obvious evidence that you have too much fucking time and money on your wrinkly ugly hands. Besides, do you really think just because you get a boob job and face tuck your hubby is going to stop fucking those 19 year old Swedish twins? Yeah, in your Harlequin dreams!

My mom once told me, there are some people in this world that just weren't made to have money, and we're one of them. Yeah, well fuck her too! Thanks for marrying "down" mom. Holy fucking dog balls, how fucking low was your self-esteem the day you decided to ride "daddy" all the way to the alter?!? A beer truck driver? That's the best you could do? Thanks for that impressive career choice.

But, I have dated two actual millionaires in my life. Jesus, what a pair of fucking losers. Both in their middle 30's and never married?!? That raises more flags than Disneyland! All they cared about was their money, and then worry that their "friends" only liked them for it. Well fuck! It's not like your hiding it by living in a one bedroom apartment! Fucking stupid rich fucking whores.

I guess I'll never have those problems. But, I guess I'm rich in a lot of ways. I have a shit load of cholesterol, more dog hair covered furniture than anyone I know, and I'm on first name basis with that dude at the liquor store. Yep, it's good to be king.

Gobble gobble everyone. Now fuck off!

Holidays SUCK!

Now, hold on before you get your nipples all knotted up. I like the holidays just as much as the next asshole, but if you don't realize the sucky part of holidays, you're either detached from your brain stem or so fucking ignorant you can't tell Thanksgiving from Valentines Day. Yes, it's great to get a break from those back stabbing worthless pricks we call co-workers. And it's nice to stay up late and drink without forcing yourself up before dawn and maneuver your still drunken ass to work.

If you have Thanksgiving at your place and are planning on having a bunch of family and/or friends over, stock up on the booze and Xanax and try to get alcohol poisoning before anyone shows up. This will dull the pain of pretending to like everyone at your house and what their boring lives are up to. If it's anything like it is at my family gatherings, someone is bound to at least do one of the following: get too drunk) start crying) get in a fight) leave before dinner) throw up) pass out) get arrested). Wait, that was last years Thanksgiving. Anywho, it's guaranteed to suck at some degree. It's the law.

Now, if you're single, or not planning on driving back to grandma's because you don't have $2,000 for gas and are going to stay home and lay low, it still sucks, but not nearly as much. The thing that sucks is you probably won't have turkey, because who is going to make a turkey dinner just for themselves? And if you do, you're an extreme flamer with way too much time and too many issues. Besides, is turkey so fucking good that you constantly order it when you go out?!? It's usually not even on the fucking menu. You can't go out to eat, because most shit is closed. So you have to plan ahead, and buy a good frozen pizza, booze, munchies, and a fresh refill from your local pharmacy. (insert drug of choice here).

So it comes down to logistical willingness and personal happiness. Hmmm....should I put up with bullshit drivers, massive traffic jams, insane gas prices, just to get wasted around my family and eat some cold ugly bird? Or stay home, get just as wasted if not more, eat what the fuck I want, sleep in my own bed, and not be reminded of how much of a dissapointment I am? I don't know how I'm going to be able to answer that one.

Yeah, holidays SUCK and you know it. Now time for your drunkening.

Mini Vans SUCK!

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Wind SUCKS!

GOD I hate fucking wind! It ruins everything. You can't do shit in the fucking wind except spit straight out and watch it splat on the dufus standing next to you.

You can dress for the cold, heat, get an umbrella for the rain, shovel the snow. Wind?!? You're fucked. Try having a nice barbeque on the deck or picnic at the park or go boating on the lake. Yeah, I love it when my chips blow all over the deck and I'm trying to hold down my plate while taking a bite out of a burger and have the ketchup run UP my face vertically. Good times.

Don't you just love getting all dressed up for some big event and by the time you park your car, get out, and get inside it looks like you just got done with a 9 hour ride on the back of a Harley? Fucking wind.

Yeah, I know my hair looks like shit. I was wearing a hat, but if BLEW THE FUCK AWAY! Fucking wind. It's the only kind of blow job I hate.

Time to go out and try to get my smoke lit.

Fucking wind sucks!

New England Patriots SUCK! !

Well, all of New England sucks! Fuck those self-important butt fucking faggot lickers. They have more money to dump on thier fucking sports teams than anyone else and they still bitch and fucking moan when they don't get their way. Even when they CHEAT! Fucking East Coast piece of tranny fucking whore fags.

So the Colts lost Freeney today, as well as the backup linebacker, along with Harrison, Clark, Gonzales, the waterboy, a parking lot attendant, two ticket takers, and the cunt that makes the hotel reservations for the team when they travel. Holy fuck! Do they put disease ridden Gator Aid in their bottles! Unfucking real. But, we'll still probably go to the Super Bowl and have to hear those East Coast fags bitch about something else.

Vinne-fairy sucks as a fucking non-kicking piece of shit. Way to loose the game you pole smoke. Holy hairy anus droppings, even I could have made that fucker!

My tooth hurts, and I want some baked spaghetti and a cocktail, so fuck off until tomorrow.

Tuesday's SUCK!

They're better than Mondays, because Mondays suck monkey farts. But it's not quite hump day, and you have almost the entire work week left. Fucking Tuesdays. But no matter what day, mother fucking people still can't drive worth a fucking donkey shit! GOD! Indianapolis has the WORST drivers on the fucking planet. I've never seen a city with more accidents and Interstates closed due to butt fuckers crashing into each other and killing themselves. Granted, it's a couple less dumb fucks on the road, but there's a fucking boat full to take their place!

This is why I don't own a gun. I'ld fucking use it on my daily commute.